Futon Quarterback

Here’s something I never thought I’d say: Chad Johnson (I’ve never called him Ochocinco) could learn a lot from T.O. Both love to get in your face. Only one does more than talk.

T.O. uses his anger as motivation, willing himself to perform. Maybe even performing just enough so he can keep on talking. Who knows. Whatever his motivation, at least he puts up numbers.

Unlike 85, whose mouth is bigger than his stat line. Remember when we loved to hear him talk? He used to sleep at the stadium, calling Marvin Lewis at all hours of the night if only to make himself just a little better. Now he’s got more TV shows than touchdowns.

The difference between a diva and a whiner.

Come to think of it, maybe I should call him Ochocinco. Johnson was good.

Note: This was written before Andre Smith actually started playing in games. Of course, with all the false starts it’s still pretty damn relevant.

In the pre-draft buildup, we heard all about Michael Oher – a talented, motivated, player with an amazing tale of perseverance. A walking cliché – in a good way, of course – who overcame the odds through hard hard hard work. Some more clichés: a self-built man who pulled himself up by the bootstraps. A man who  built a life for himself off his own sweat.

Then there’s Andre Smith.

A once-heralded prospect whose stock was dropping due to a lack of many of the same things that made Oher’s story so inspirational. Andre – a supposed cornerstone player – was kicked off the team for the final game of his college career. He flip-flopped agents repeatedly before the draft.  And he walked out on the combine. Then, when he had his chance to prove that, despite appearing to be a colossal turd, he still possessed colossal talent – he showed up out of shape to his own private workout. It’s not like O-lineman are ever considered fun to look at sans shirt – but Andre’s jiggly man breasts were the talk of the workout. Even worse? His numbers weren’t even good.

Recap: Bad work ethic. Bad attitude. Poor decision-maker. Man breasts.

Guess who the Bengals drafted?

It still amazes me today how epically bad a decision that was. How these two men residing on such opposite ends of the spectrum could even be compared. And how the Bengals could go with Smith. It’s comical really. It’s like choosing between a Ruth’s Chris filet and a half-eaten Whopper scooped from the men’s room floor. “Well, with the right seasoning, that Whopper might be pretty good.”

Andre Smith could end up pretty good – of course, he’s not showing it right now – but it’s no surprise Michael Oher is good. Hard workers usually are.

The moral of the story is – In this case at least – you really can judge a book by its cover. Especially when one book is ugly and unmotivated, and the other is pretty much the walking talking version of everything you tell your kids to grow up to be.

If the Bengals continue on their current pace, they’ll likely lose more than a few fans come playoff time. Not to anger or apathy, mind you—but to cardiology. Because those not suffering life-ending heart attacks will likely have their seasons cut short on doctor’s orders, with tri-state cardiologists urging them to tone down any excessive excitement. Which is, of course, the current M.O. of the Bengals, er, the Cardiac Cats.

That was an inspired game played by the Bengals on Sunday. It had everything: offense, defense, end zone interceptions, blocked field goals, and of course, the “win one for the Gipper” story of a Bengals defense rallying around their embattled coach. As I’m sure you’ve heard, D-Coordinator Mike Zimmer’s wife passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on Thursday, and the tough Texan was left deciding whether or not to coach all the way up until game time.

Well, Zimmer’s defense rewarded him for his strength by showing some strength of their own, a dominant—even Ravenesque—performance to hand him a much-deserved W. When Zim was handed the gameball afterwards, you could see the love the Bengals had for their coordinator—and the love he had right back.

But more than anything, I love how the Bengals won. And I’m not talking about another last minute finish—which of course, showed how different a beast this Bengals team really is. Rather, what impressed me the most is how they’re finally playing the right kind of football—built on the backbone of run game and defense.

These Bengals beat the Ravens by playing Ravens football. And the Ravens lost, well, by playing like the old Bengals. Our defense was dominant and Ced-Ben—pulled off the scrap heap early last season—gouged the Ravens for 120 yards. How significant is that? Well, he’s the only running back to do so in the Ravens’ last 39 games. And, of course, the Bengals also held a Ravens offense averaging 31 points a game to a paltry 257 yards and a TD. The capper? It was the Ravens self-destructing at the end with three drive-extending penalties that lead to a brilliant 20-yard Palmer to Caldwell touchdown.

Of course, we can’t talk about the good unless we talk about the bad.

Actually, we can.

Who Dey.

According to my sources (Yahoo Sports and um, this video above), Spencer Pratt and his beautiful beardlet fancy themselves an MMA fighter. And so, um, well, I don’t really feel like talking about him anymore so here’s the article, optimistically called “Spencer Pratt, please stay away from MMA” (I don’t think the rhyming was intentional): http://bit.ly/rMYXK

So there you have it: he wasn’t ready. Doesn’t mean he won’t ever be ready, but right now? Nope.

That being said, he did land some good shots. Nelson definitely has a solid chin. And Kimbo’s takedown defense was pretty good early on. I even started comparing him to Chuck Liddell a little in my head (a solid striker with good enough defense to keep the fight standing up).

And then, not so much.

Because once the fat man laid his gut down on Kimbo, he was done. Jiu Jitsu Kimbo. Learn it. Fast.

My prediction? Someone gets injured and Kimbo comes back to knock a few dudes out. If it’s rigged, then he wins it all. And Dana wins. And the UFC wins. And Jesus wins.

Okay, maybe not Jesus.

To exuberant Bengals fan: stop celebrating artificial milestones. The victory over the Steelers was amazing. It was a great come-from-behind victory fueled by flawless quarterbacking and spot on play calling.

But great teams—Super Bowl teams—don’t celebrate regular season victories.

Remember a few years back when the Bengals beat the Steelers and won the division? What happened next? The Bengals proclaimed the tides they were a turning, while the wise old Steelers just licked their chops and said, “Just you wait”—then beat the Bengals a few weeks later and finished the year with a Super Bowl victory.

Last year the Titans did the same with the same result. See a pattern?

Sunday’s victory was a great one. But true greatness would be beating the Stillers again in a month and then winning the division. Or winning a playoff game for the first time in, I don’t know, way too damn long.

Am I just a bitter old Bengals fan? Probably. But I am happy they won yesterday—they deserved it. And the Bengals were the better team. But the second they start believing that’s enough—they lose it all.

No one cares the Bengals won the division in ’05. And nothing matters but Super Bowls. By this time next year, no one will care about a meaningless early season game.

Don’t celebrate this victory, Bengals. Win some games, and act like you’ve been there before. Then win the Super Bowl.

That’s when we can celebrate.

Here’s a question I’ve been wrestling with (n.p.i.) ever since Kimbo joined the TUF cast: Is Dana White bringing him in just to get his ass beat? Or is he giving him a valid shot?

Really, both options are a win for Dana and the UFC. But I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that ego-wise, he’d rather Kimbo lose, if only to back up his previous bashings. Of course, if Kimbo wins, the ratings boost can continue (it’s the most anticipated TUF matchup ever) and Dana will spin it to say that it was the UFC’s expert tutelage that has made Kimbo what he is today.

Either way, I’ll be watching. I might even grow a beard for support.

Most martial arts schools in New York City have a free trial class. My goal is to try each and every one. (1 of 2)

Most martial arts schools in New York City have a free trial class. My goal is to try each and every one. (2 of 2)

Note: this piece, in which the author interviews himself, was done before the previous NFL season

Matt Kelsen is a lifelong Cincinnati Bengals fan, often considered the worst franchise in professional sports. Though the Bengals were a one time Super Bowl contender, Matt is too young to know anything but stories. Thus, upon moving out of state, the 26 year old has declared himself a free agent.

First off, Matt, how long have you been a fan?

To be perfectly honest, too damn long. Neither of my parents was originally from Cincinnati, so I didn’t start rooting for them until I was old enough to think for myself. Obviously I wasn’t old enough. (chuckles)

So you don’t remember any of the good times?

It’s been mostly bad. A few years back it got so horrendous the fans were calling for a boycott unless Mike Brown gave up his power and hired a GM. (In 2002, the Bengals avoided a winless year by scraping together two end of seasons victories.) I almost quit, but the Bengals hired Marvin (head coach Marvin Lewis) and they started winning after that. After so many three and four win seasons, 8-8 was like the Super Bowl for us. They got a little better the year after that, and then BAM, all of a sudden we were in the playoffs. We’d never been in the playoffs and we felt unstoppable. Of course, then IT happened.

You’re talking about Carson’s knee?

You’re damn right I’m about talking about Carson. (On the Bengals’ first passing play in the 2005 playoffs, Bengals franchise quarterback Carson Palmer tore his ACL and MCL after a low tackle by former Bengal Kimo von Oelhoffen. Many people believed the hit to be dirty, and a change was subsequently made by the NFL banning similar knee-level tackles on the quarterback.) No doubt we would’ve won that game. But we’re the Bungles for a reason. You know the saying: “If we didn’t have bad luck…”

You wouldn’t have any luck at all.

Exactly. I mean, he completes a sixty something yard bomb to Henry (66 yards to receiver Chris Henry), and then they both get knocked out of the game. Palmer and the whole team haven’t been the same since.

Would you say God doesn’t want the Bengals to win?

Haha. I wouldn’t go that far, but it sure doesn’t seem like it.

So now you’re thinking of quitting?

Let’s be real. I’ve thought about quitting this team on more than one occasion. But the thought of missing an eventual resurgence keeps me in my place. After all these years of sadness, I deserve to celebrate the goodness, right? Well, we all know how pathetic that sounds, and like all bad relationships, I kind of know that this one is doing me no good.

Do you feel taken advantage of?

Absolutely, and that’s the worst part. It’s that all those years I still stayed positive. Always thinking it was gonna get better. Now, I just feel, you know, kind of pathetic.

How so?

I almost feel like Mike Brown—not that he’s laughing at us fans—but more like he just doesn’t care. Good or bad, as long as he makes his money, you know? It’s just like, if I owned a team, that would be the greatest thing ever. And that’s why as much as I hate them, you’ve gotta respect guys like (Cowboys owner) Jerry Jones and (Yankees owner George) Steinbrenner. You know that what they want more than anything is to win. Mike Brown doesn’t care about that. And that makes me feel pathetic.

For caring more about the team than the owner?

Exactly.

So what’s your goal in becoming a free agent?

Honestly? To get the hope back. There’s something magical about feeling like your team is one step away from winning it all. I would love for the Bengals to do that. I would love to say I was there all the way through the bad times. But I just don’t see it happening. I’ll still root for my Bengals. But I just can’t make them my priority.

What’s your biggest fear in all this?

That I’ll know I gave up on them if they win it all.

That’s a big IF.

I know. But I also know that when they finally do, it’ll feel a hundred times better than any Patriot or Steelers Super Bowl. It would be worth all those bad years.

Do you honestly believe that?

I don’t know.

FOLLOWUP

Matt spent the last year rooting for his new local team, the New York Jets, but he still finds himself gravitating to his Bengals. He has, however, remained resolute in his decision to refrain from giving any amount of money or effort to Mike Brown—including buying jerseys, tickets, or even paying for NFL Direct Ticket. He insists he will return to his team and drop his “personal embargo” when Mike Brown finally hands the reins to an accomplished GM.

Mike Brown had no comment on this piece.